remembering you

did you know that october is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness month?  i had no idea.

and today, october 15, has been designated pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day.

a little over 2 years ago, i remember delivering a meal to a lady who had lost her son.  she was about 4 months pregnant, when she found out he had died in the womb.  then she had to go to the hospital and deliver the baby.  then there was the whole process of explaining the loss to their 2 young children, since the pregnancy was far enough along that it was physically obvious.  and then she showed me these teeny, tiny baby footprints.  and told me about holding her sweet child...holding him for the first time, but not really meeting him.  i can't imagine all the emotions associated with an experience like that.

as i experience another pregnancy, looking forward to the time when we can welcome this sweet baby into the world, it's hard not to forget the fact that there is one sweet baby our family has yet to meet during this life on earth.  though i'm not saddened when i recall the loss, it's hard for me as a mama to forget.  and i don't want to forget.  i want to remember.  not so that i can have my little cry-fest or wallow in self-pity.  but because that baby was just that.  a baby.  despite the fact that he (or she) never made it full-term does not mean that (s)he doesn't count as one of the family.  and most importantly, it serves as a beautiful reminder of God's love, mercy and faithfulness.  constant. never-ending. always good. i don't think i can describe to you how amazing it has been to reflect and see God working through this whole experience.

for me, it's rather ironic that october 15 has been the designated remembrance day.  october 15 was the scheduled due date for our little baby.  but, what we lost in a son/daughter we gained in a nephew, who was born 2 years ago today.  sam is such a physical reminder of our little bean (and that's not a bad thing!), and God's goodness working through our family.

so, to the mamas out there who have had to endure a pregnancy or infant loss, may you find comfort and peace as you remember your sweet baby (or babies) today.

to our sweet little one, i am thankful for the short time we had together.  i am grateful that we have an awesome and loving God that had a plan in place for you and for me long before we ever existed.  and while you may not be here with us you will always be in my heart.